I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
