if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
