I think scott just propositioned me for sex
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
