Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
someone get that fucking seahorse.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
