Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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