I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
