We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
