When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
