i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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