The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
