Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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