I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
