I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
