Ambien. No doubt about it.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
