I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
