i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
not ubering you a puppy
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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