I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
