Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
