I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
it's like iHOP with fire
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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