im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
