Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
