im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize