dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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