I CAN MOONWALK!
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
