Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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