Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
