it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
