I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
