sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
How does one acquire holy water?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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