remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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