How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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