How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
