farters have to be the big spoon...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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