i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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