The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize