There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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