I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
