I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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