I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
