We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize