i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
