I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
