Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
