just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
