Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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