why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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