if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Nicole vs. Life
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
God, I missed his penis.
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