This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
