Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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