saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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