Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
