Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize