Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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