Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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