we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
